triste ambulant – day 4

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“This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” John 11:4

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Second, maybe my existence is not as much about me as it is about me taking opportunities to expose others to God.  Maybe others can’t see God but they can sure see me and how I act and do things on a day-to-day basis.  In seeing me, do they see God or do they see a self-centered and tired out old person who has lots to say but not much to show?  Do my decisions demonstrate a desire to serve God and others or do my decisions end up all being about me?

Maybe I should consider the possibility that my existence might not be as much about me getting all that I can out of life as it might be about me needing to represent a spiritual God in a physical world.  Maybe I am supposed to be doing this until God takes it all back?  Perhaps I’m the gap-filler until God decides that enough is enough and that his human experiment has about run its course?

Do I think that I am more important than I really actually am?  I’m not suggesting that I don’t have value of some kind but I am suggesting that maybe I have picked up somewhere that somehow this is all about what I feel and what my opinions are when really I should accept the fact that God has plans for me and I either accept them or I reject them.  And God will act accordingly regardless of how important I think I have become.  So, maybe my decision-making should have less to do with what I think I need and want and more to do with a sensitivity and awareness of what God wants out of me.

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As I get older and experience loss, there are too many complications and too much stress in trying to live on the tightrope that stretches between platforms – one being all about me and the other being all about God.  I’ve tried.  How much can I get away with on my side and still make God happy over on the other side?  How angry will God be if I do this or that?  Wow, look at what a great thing I did so now I should be earning some points with God to make up for those recent slip-ups.

I have a good friend who is literally trying to figure out how much self-medication God is ok with.  Another friend wonders out-loud just how much alcohol can be consumed and still be ok with God.  And yet a third friend figures that there is only one chance to do some things so its hoped that in doing them at least once that God won’t get mad.  

Where has this idea come from that there is some kind of sliding scale from really good to doggedly bad and that God somehow grades on a curve and that we can somehow game the system?  Sadly, I think we have all bought into this bad juju to some extent.  And this discussion will careen off of a high cliff into a dark night…

What about me?  Play the game of tension on the tightrope day in and day out?  Or make a commitment, frankly, to either be a bad and Devil-evil person or, on the other hand, be a good and God-fearing person?  Sounds simply, I know, but we all have to deal with this conflict and tension.  Some more than others, it seems.

“No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” (Matthew 6:24 NLT)

I probably can’t do this right on my own…

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