Six Months

Nov 20 7:32am – Two notables today.

It’s been five months today since that sad day. It seems so far away. Instead of sadness today, I feel more hollow and numb. I’ve said before – it’s getting hazy and foggy around the edges. As I move away from that day, I still sense a loss but it gets more and more jumbled up in the complexities of what is yet to come tomorrow. The hurt remains but the panic grows increasingly less and less with each passing day.

The holiday season was always a good time of year for us – it will be different this year. I’m not prepared in any special way for the holidays other than having made a commitment to myself to take it one day at a time and to keep breathing and to acknowledge the vast blessings we had together and that we continue to have even now – but just different.

Five months…

But also 100 days.

100 days and a wake-up call. Today is Day 100 in my countdown to retirement from federal government – and I can’t be more excited. Even now, work is stressful with long commutes and endless haggling. We are ok but my expiration date is flagged – I will be ready to go in 100 days. Somehow I think federal government will be around 101 days from now so I’m not too worried that my leaving will cause an economic downturn and that government will have to shut down. I’m comfortable that things will still be as messed up 101 days from now as in 100 days – my final day.

Seriously, the fed has been very good to me and I appreciate the amazing opportunities afforded me over the years. And I hope I have given back my best in the crazy discipline of work that we found ourselves in.

It’s someone else’s business now. Go well.

100 days…

(And thanks to M and D for already reaching out to me this morning with words of encouragement – I appreciate it and I love you. And to B, my best friend. I, too, hope to find sunshine at the end of the path. Thanks.)

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