Lots of Time

Nov 17 6:43pm – I want to thank the ‘Monday Bunch at Shady Acres’ for your kind words and card.  I appreciate your prayers and thoughts.  Truly.  And I also wish for and hope that you can have a blessed day and that each of you can find peace and love in your days.  You are special.

It is Sat but I have been going since 5:45am.  I had to be at an appointment at 7am and then at another at 8am and then I needed to do some shopping and errands and so forth.  You know what I mean.  I am thankful that I can take care of business and such and be able to do it all without too much concern.  On the other hand, it takes time and energy, doesn’t it?

I find that – by myself – there is lots to do.  I spend much time keeping the house running and somewhat organized.  All of the business takes quite a bit of time.  (I’m attempting to go completely paperless billing and do ALL of my banking and bill paying automatically.  I know – I am behind the times.  Trying to catch up, though.)  Mail.  Banking.  Vehicles.  Taxes (this time of year in Stafford County). And so forth.  

You do all of this too, of course, but I do appreciate more and more each day how Regina and I had worked out (probably and mostly non-verbally) the load balance of tasks and work to keep things running smoothly.  And while I don’t mind being busy and taking care of things – I find empowerment in making sure things are running smoothly – I also am constantly reminded of dear Regina and how much I miss her.

And speaking of little jobs around the house, Regina always did the mail checking and management.  Well, now that I am in charge of this daily duty, all I can say is, “Boy, she must have really done a great deal of on-line shopping!”  Not a day goes by that I don’t get several catalogs from various clothing companies.  And school product catalogs.  Thankfully, the political season is over because before Nov 6 I was getting SO much political stuff – she must have single-handedly funded one of the parties here in this part of northern Virginia. (For the record, I was and am absolutely NOT involved in the stuff.  And all of her ‘fair and balanced’ news channels have been removed from my remote’s channel guide!)  

I’m glad she could enjoy things and feel like she could do things that she enjoyed.  She very often did her purchases for others – and she enjoyed doing that.  Good for her.  And I’m glad she had the freedom and resources to have some fun and satisfy herself with some “mad time”.  

I was with an adviser today talking about finances and – after the fact – I realized that I had told him my story from the last six months or so without breaking down.  I felt good that I had been able to converse with another human being without babbling and sniveling but I also realized – perhaps, sadly – that I am moving farther and farther away from those awful days.  And I guess in the extending time and distance, it all becomes less sharp and poignant.  Maybe the hurt is becoming less edgy.  Less bleeding, for sure.  Maybe it’s becoming kind of numb and less sensitive.  I suppose this can be counted as “healing”?  I somehow miss the intense hurt – it still comes now and then – but it comes much less regularly now and with less fanfare.  Is this what it means when it is said that “time heals”?  I don’t know.

Zak and Kathy are excited.  I am, too.  They very likely have secured employment.  I think the inertia and forward motion of the work, preparation, and anticipation that we all have had for so long – years – is still overwhelming us during what otherwise is probably a really good time with some really good news.  Of course, new challenges now stand out front of us but I am glad that it seems a huge corner has been turned.

The next few weeks will be weeks of “firsts” for me – alone.  Anniversary. (It occurs to me that I didn’t make the church’s anniversary list this month.)  Thanksgiving.  Holidays. Christmas and a new year.  Christmas lights (which I am already seeing on houses).  Festive music and holiday colors.   Smells.  Meals with family and friends.  (I’m spending Thanksgiving this year with Nick and Laurie and Lilly and Christy and Baby Z 5.  It will be a first – in many ways – for all of us.  We will be fine.)  Christmas trees in DC at the White House and the Capitol – our yearly trip up and back on Christmas Eve.  Maybe the Washington Chorus at the Kennedy Center.

I had to fill out a form on Thurs this past week.  It listed the standard “single, married, divorced” categories.  But this list also listed “widowed”.  Yes, I marked the little oval with my black pen.  ”Widowed.”

Life goes on.  It didn’t stop for me and it isn’t slowing down any now.

This is all new to me.

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