Jul 22 8:53pm – As hard as I may try to avoid them, there are ‘first time’ events happening around me all of the time now. Do you know what I mean? Let me explain.
I went to a movie this afternoon with some of the best friends that I have. Being with them and enjoying their company made the afternoon all worth it. (The movie? Not so much so, unfortunately.) Anyway, half way through the movie it hit me – this was the first theater movie that I had been to since Regina had been gone. The last time I went to a movie was with Regina and another good friend to see Hunger Games a few months ago. I couldn’t shake the idea the rest of this movie. The last time… The first time… If it had been a better movie, maybe I would have been able to shake the idea but, the movie being what it was, I kept thinking over and over – ‘another first time without Regina.’
‘First time for a car inspection.’ ’First time for a shopping trip.’ ’First time for a doctor visit.’ ’First trip to the mall.’ ’First day of work.’ ’First semi-annual Geico bill.’ ’First time to Vinny’s.’ ’First time to be going to dinner with friends.’ ’First time to get a haircut.’ ’First time to speak before an audience.’ ’First time to get coffee at Starbucks.’ ’First time to water the plants.’ ’First time to fill a prescription.’ ’First time to answer the question – how is your wife?’ ’First time to get an Amazon order on the porch.’ ’First time to sit through a power outage at the house.’ ’First time to go to a book store.’ ’First time to flip the calendar to next month in the kitchen.’ ’First time to have a repairman come over to the house.’ ’First time to play my video game in my war room.’ ’First time to change the light bulb in the bathroom night light.’ ’First time to purchase a jug of Tide Free & Gentle at the store.’
Get the idea? This happens all of the time to me. Sometimes when it happens it is only an afterthought. Other times it happens – like today at the movie – and it is overwhelming. (Thank goodness it was dark in the theater.) I am sure that as time goes on these incidents will become less frequent but I am thinking that – in their infrequency – they may become more profound. It is inescapable – these ‘first times.’
So, I guess it is now who and what I am. I will never know when one of these little flash bombs will go off in front of me. And I will never know how I will respond, either.
The bigger issue – will these bangs prevent me from going out? Being out? Taking a chance? I sure hope not but it amazes me (I am pretty level-headed right now so I think I can analyze this) just how flash bang these ‘first time’ events are – here and there and high and low and fast and slow and night and day.
It is thin ice – keeping my head about me. It is draining.