1:45

Jul 20 1:45pm – Laurie came back and took Bean.  The three of us went in to the CVRR.

I had noticed before that CVRR was always a beehive of activity. Lots of work goes on in there – the caring for the very sick.

But today, it was quiet.  It seemed like holy ground – reverence, quiet, solitude.  I even think the lighting was different.  Maybe not but it was a very special place, for sure.  Nurses and staff looked at us but in caring loving ways.  These people give their lives to sustain life and I honestly think that they hurt as much as some of the patient families when things don’t turn out the way we all may hope.  I sensed sadness, sympathy, and hurt.

Regina was in the back left corner of the CVRR – her normal place for the past few weeks.  This time, she was fully covered in a blanket except for her head.  She didn’t look good at all.  She wasn’t pretty like she had been.  She looked like she had been in a battle of some kind – she was bloodied and tired-looking.  Her skin was pale white.  

The machines were doing her breathing – her breathing was labored and mechanical sounding.  There was blood and liquid in her breathing tubes.  Her eyes were mostly closed – they were dirty with grit.  Blank.  Her heart beat but from the machine sitting beside her.

Staff pulled the curtain around us.  Dr. Shaw stood in the back at the ‘box’.  Two or three nurses stood by us.  We put our hands on Regina as best we could through the blankets that covered her.  We talked to her.  I talked to God in burbles and mumbles.  We cried.  We ached.

I took her pigtail down.  It pulled some hair out.  I put it in my shirt pocket.

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