Jul 11 10:26pm – To resolve the certificate issue, I had to provide supporting documentation showing that Regina’s middle name is not RAY. So, I provided a birth certificate, marriage license, Social Security card, officially valid US passport, and a Rockhill Elementary School Raccoon identification card! So there! Anyway, word has it that the package will be sent up expeditiously to DC and that they will fix the problem and then send me back expeditiously certificates with the correct middle name. I need a coffee frappuccino, please, to make me feel better after all of this. Maybe tomorrow. If it wasn’t so sad – all of this – this would have to be kind of funny. I can’t help but smile just a tiny bit. Can you? Well, all of the health and dental and eye insurance companies have been notified, the Social Security people (they are sending me a $250 check for being the surviving spouse – nice of them) are taken care of, several credit card companies are now closed and over, and I am moving all of my health and dental care over to my own company – I rode on Regina’s since she always had a better deal than what the US Government could offer me. Go figure. I am amazed how each of these little jobs take so much effort. I pretty much don’t know what to expect each time I make a phone call – will I make it or will I have to catch my breath several times? Fortunately, all of the companies have been kind and expressed their condolences and such and made their processes quite simple. So much effort over the years to get our vast financial holdings stable and health care providers situated – then to take it all down and have it dismantled with one or two phone calls. When it is over, it seems to really be over. We were blessed – I am blessed. Because of some planning and some thinking ahead, I am fortunate to not have to worry about so many things that otherwise would have been difficult. I do understand why this kind of life transition can be so traumatic (more so than it already is) for some if there hasn’t been even a little bit of planning and forethought made in advance. Thank God that I am so fortunate in this situation. Of course, still a long way to go but I think I will be ok with the resulting ‘stuff’ that we formerly shared and were blessed to have been entrusted with while we were together. I had a lunch date today and several good phone calls this evening and have – again – received such nice cards, emails, and text messages. Thanks to all of you. It helps – you don’t know how much. But even with the activity, I still have to have some down time and I find I like to go to the corner of the room and look at Regina and her pictures and our family pictures and have a few minutes alone. I guess I still kind of sort of think she might still walk around the corner with some comment or question of some kind. I was working on my iPhone today and – you guessed it – found two voice mails from Regina from back in Apr and May. One message was asking when I would be home for dinner and the other was giving me the cost of a refrigerator repair. The refrigerator was repaired the day before we went to the hospital together in May for what we thought was going to be a routine heart catheterization. Only God knew. I suppose he ached as he watched us enter the cardiac cath lab all innocent and a bit tired but hopeful and generally happy and looking forward to an evening dinner somewhere together after the procedure. It all seemed so simple and straightforward and in control back then. I feel so old and worn out and weary now. A friend asked me today – what is the hardest thing? I had to think, actually, for a second. I then said – I feel empty and I feel I have absolutely no control whatsoever right now. This evening as I sit in our home but by myself, I do feel empty and with little control. I won’t say I am afraid or scared – I simply continue to think that I am just ‘comfortably numb’, as Pink Floyd says. I pretty much go through the motions. But I also know that time and good memories and friends and faith will slowly slowly slowly lead to some healing. I hope…

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