Jul 10 10:01am – My first ever pot roast is in the crock pot! Wonder what I’ll find in eight hours? So many new things that I have to learn. They aren’t hard or difficult but they are things that I never needed to worry too much about. I wish I had said thank you more often. I guess time somewhat sorts out who does what and a balance is struck and as long as the balance is relatively cordial and mutual then we figure things are going along ok. I do not have balance now – there isn’t a counter-balance. So I’m starting over, I suppose. All the little things and some big things – they are now my responsibility along with what I always took care of. Reshuffling the deck. Mixing the blocks. Stirring the pot. I don’t know but putting a piece of roast – that has been patted with steak rub – into a pot with some carrots, onions, potatoes, and seasonings is some kind of small victory from the hurt that otherwise can consume all. I’m not fleeing or trying to escape the grief yet – I just don’t want to be held captive by it. I still have a spark in me that wants to experience, live, breathe. Thanks, old pot roast. You are one of my significant firsts in this new life. Regina would be in shock and awe if she saw me now with my roast. I’d be embarrassed. It would be uncomfortable – it would be out of balance. But we together always were good at rebalancing. Not this time, though. Not this time.