Notes

Jul 9 3:28pm – Nick and I will pick up Regina tomorrow (Tues) at 11am from Mullins.  She is ready to come home now.  I will be glad to have her home.  She has had so many adventures in the past few months – I’m guessing she is ready for a rest.  I am.  I have a place all ready for her – out with me for awhile or as long as we need that.  The death certificates are still being worked by DC – who knew how hard this would be?  I can’t do much business to finalize things until I get the certificates.  I am wondering what has been determined by the medical examiners to be cause of death?  Certificates may still be a few days away.  But at least Regina will be home in a few hours.  I picked up the new heart beat strip from the picture framing man today.  It tells such a compelling story.  Out of 56 years, Regina had a good, strong, healthy physical heart for one week. Just one week.  And she was asleep and couldn’t enjoy it.  I suppose there is some meaning that we can make out of all this – I’m just too tired to figure it out right now.  I took the framed strip to show Nick at BB after I had picked it up.  We shared a few words and silently wept on the BB showroom floor together.  Us like little islands in an otherwise busy ocean that keeps on moving all around.  Two guys looking at a representative picture of a special person.  And so it goes…  I reached out to GriefShare today.  They kindly got back to me very promptly.  Unfortunately, the local share group is on summer break.  Again, I suppose we can come up with some irony here but I can’t right now.  On break for the summer.  Perhaps it is about all of us – at different times – needing a break from grief.  I can understand that.   I will keep looking – I’m advised to find a share group that can walk the same and common path as I am.  I would like to walk with other partners in this for awhile until I can get my footing.  Went to Giant today to pick up a few things.  Like a little weather bluster, so many of you reached out at almost the same time both at the store and via short message.  I commented to some of you, “Isn’t shopping an amazingly social thing?”  Well, is it?  Deep down, I am so thankful for so many of you who take a few minutes just to check up on me, say hello, make a comment.  I don’t have much to say but I am happy to hear from you in spite of how I carry on about socializing.  Your short messages and waves smooth out the otherwise pretty rough current that I am riding right now.  I told Nick today that the grief just hurts!  It surges like a wave, then drops back.  When I least expect it, it hits like a hammer.  Like a punch in the stomach that makes me have to take a moment and equalize normalize stabilize.  I was looking under a list of address list print-outs today and found a weekly menu list hand-written and scratched out on a single square of sticky yellow notepad that Regina had prepared for the week that, instead, turned out to be the week of her transplant.  It listed a meal and the veggie for each day.  Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc.  We were going to be having some “chicken and dumplins w/veggies”, “coke pot roast”, and some “fish fillets”.  Also, some “salad”, “aspargus”, and some “froz. vegs”.  When I found this list, I was breathless and had to sit down.  I added the little square to the many others that I have collected that I have found located somewhere around the house in the past few weeks.  As much as I somewhat dread finding these little squares, I also dread the day when I will likely have found them all – and that will be that.  No more notes from Regina.  Each day brings me closer to the end of her notes – and that makes me sad, too. Grief is just a relentless and vicious circle.  Sometimes easing and sometimes punching the air out of me.  I will say again, though, that each bout of grief spasm brings just ever such a tiny tiny hint of healing.  Hugely small – but it is there.  The open wound is slowly ever so slowly turning into a scar.  It will be months and years, but it is healing.  I think.

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